"These kids are so much younger than me!"

I find myself missing Michigan. I spent two years in Michigan, attending university for the last two years of my undergrad. I liked the school, and the people. It was the first time I'd spent real time away from home, and it remains the longest I've lived away from my childhood house.

I don't know if it's wanderlust or just the desire to go back.

Which of course reminds me of "I Wish I Could Go Back To College" from Avenue Q.

"I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, 'Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!'"

I'm not sure I was ever that optimistic, but I certainly didn't think that, even if I came home, I would still be living here four years later. I thought, maybe I'd have a job that would enable me to live on my own or with a roommate. I thought I might have a significant other, and a house, and a dog, and a career.

I didn't think I'd end up here. Of course, it's rare when you look around and think, "Yup. Exactly what I thought." At least, not in a good way.

This is not to say I have a bad life. I do not. I have a roof over my head, a computer which I am sadly addicted to, friends and family, and my parents still alive even after the health scares from the past. I know many people are not as fortunate as I am. So I'm not going to bitch that my life isn't what I'd hoped it would be.

But that doesn't mean I don't occasionally wish I could just go back to hanging out in my apartment with all my college friends, contemplating the paper I was working on before everyone came over, and what I could add in discussion in class. College gives your life a focus: you're working through classes, getting a degree. It's a short-term goal that is supposed to lead to long-term goals, but you're also supposed to focus.

I guess I really just miss having a focus. My only real motive right now is financial: get through this next paycheck without blowing all of it. And pray to all the money gods out there that no other expenses pop up and I'll get my credit cards paid off in a year or so.

NaNoWriMo gives me that focus, but it's too condensed. And I'm not self-motivated enough to set my own goal, because my excuses are waaay too easy to fall into.

Hmm. This requires some thought.