Indescision or Ennui? A little of both

I sometimes get what I like to think of as "a little down" but what can probably be called ennui. The complete lack of motivation to do anything, much less to move in one direction or another.

I think part of the problem is also that I have too many directions to move in and none are more appealing than the others.

I could apply for a new position at work. I could find a different job, one that's full time and actually pays enough for me to live on my own. I could move to a different city to start over. I could go back to school. I could...

There's more, but they get wilder and more risky (and I am risk-averse to a ridiculous extent) the more I go on. Each of them sounds appealing, though, in those moments when I just want to say "Fuck it!" and do something crazy.

I think it's only because I live far enough outside of town that doing anything crazy requires at least a half-hour drive that I don't do anything crazy.

Eventually, I have to make a decision. I can't keep living with my parents and paying only the minimum of bills.

But first I have to pay off my credit cards, and my car, and hopefully take a chunk out of student loans. Until then, anything more extreme will have to wait.

It's totally both.

Past Times With Good Company

Every time I do a house sitting job, I know I can live on my own. Except for that whole paying bills thing. Still don't have enough money to pay more than I do now.

But I could live by myself. Especially with my cat Nefret, who loves being in the same room with me. If it was just us in an apartment, we would be happy. And if I felt social I could call someone, get on the internet, or go out of the house.

Even in the house I share with five other people, I still spend most of my time at home alone. This is not a slam on my family and housemates, I love them. But. Well, when you had a lonely childhood almost entirely due to other people shunning you, you learn to love your own head. It's even better because my head isn't the depressed and lonely place it was, since I filled it with songs, characters, writing, TV shows, and movies. Much better.

So someday, when I can afford to pay more bills, like say rent and utilities, I think I'll do just fine on my own.

Random Access

I searched iTunes for a topic for this post. Since I have quite a lot of music, this was a crapshoot. It came up on a track from a techno CD I acquired in high school, and has followed me ever since. I generally don't do techno, since its repetition and lack of story songs generally irritates me.

But this one is an interesting mysterious story. My neighbor across the street said it appeared in her computer one day. Neither she nor anyone else in her family knows where this disc came from, or would admit it. So there's just this random, second disc of a techno set, sitting in her computer drive. Very strange.

Naturally she had to share. So the CD made the rounds of our friends group, and to my surprise I actually liked it. So that is how I acquired my one and only techno CD.

Which is, by the way, a compilation called This is Noize. It's Disc 2. Still have no idea where it came from.

Ah, mysteries!

"These kids are so much younger than me!"

I find myself missing Michigan. I spent two years in Michigan, attending university for the last two years of my undergrad. I liked the school, and the people. It was the first time I'd spent real time away from home, and it remains the longest I've lived away from my childhood house.

I don't know if it's wanderlust or just the desire to go back.

Which of course reminds me of "I Wish I Could Go Back To College" from Avenue Q.

"I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, 'Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!'"

I'm not sure I was ever that optimistic, but I certainly didn't think that, even if I came home, I would still be living here four years later. I thought, maybe I'd have a job that would enable me to live on my own or with a roommate. I thought I might have a significant other, and a house, and a dog, and a career.

I didn't think I'd end up here. Of course, it's rare when you look around and think, "Yup. Exactly what I thought." At least, not in a good way.

This is not to say I have a bad life. I do not. I have a roof over my head, a computer which I am sadly addicted to, friends and family, and my parents still alive even after the health scares from the past. I know many people are not as fortunate as I am. So I'm not going to bitch that my life isn't what I'd hoped it would be.

But that doesn't mean I don't occasionally wish I could just go back to hanging out in my apartment with all my college friends, contemplating the paper I was working on before everyone came over, and what I could add in discussion in class. College gives your life a focus: you're working through classes, getting a degree. It's a short-term goal that is supposed to lead to long-term goals, but you're also supposed to focus.

I guess I really just miss having a focus. My only real motive right now is financial: get through this next paycheck without blowing all of it. And pray to all the money gods out there that no other expenses pop up and I'll get my credit cards paid off in a year or so.

NaNoWriMo gives me that focus, but it's too condensed. And I'm not self-motivated enough to set my own goal, because my excuses are waaay too easy to fall into.

Hmm. This requires some thought.

Here we are again, happy as can be...

Well. Here's this. I'm not sure what to talk about, since I'm almost never sure what to talk about. Maybe a bit of introduction would be in order?

Please, call me Wayward Marbles. I wanted "Wandering Marbles" but that was already taken. And really, "Wayward" is far more accurate as far as my own feelings go.

About me. I am 26 years old, female, post-grad with a History degree doing absolutely nothing with it. I toy with writing--blogs and novels--am playing with the idea of being a librarian when I grow up, have very little social life but a very active mental world.

If I could travel anywhere in the world, and I wasn't such a chicken about possibly dangerous and/or uncomfortable situations (it's good to now one's flaws!), I would go to Turkey and Mongolia. The usual travel places are also on my list: Ireland, England, China, Japan, Australia, Brazil, Argentina, and I would desperately love to take a castle tour of Germany. But Turkey, especially Çatalhöyük, and Mongolia and it's vast, terrifyingly beautiful steppes, fascinate me at every turn.

Alas, I am working only part-time, living in my childhood home, and have about $90 dollars at the end of the month to spend on gas and groceries. So not a lot of travel opportunities, especially not to regions which require thousands of dollars.

Other (arguably) strange things about me: I like blades, and have a modest collection of mostly cheap knives, daggers, and swords. I am a fangirl, and mostly unashamed of it. I read and write fanfiction, mostly when I'm putting off writing something of my own. It's a wonderful procrastination tool.

I can proudly state that I have met one of my idols, as well. Two years ago I got to meet Tamora Pierce, and tell her what her books meant to me. I almost cried, as did she, so I changed the subject to how much she reminds me of my aunt. And she signed my hardback first editions of the Circle of Magic series, so I am a happy happy fangirl.

I think that's enough oddness.

I had the vague idea that I should include some kind of theme here, possibly in the vein of "My Summer of Eating Local-ish" but I'm not sure how well I'll do that. So keep an eye out for a title change.